Hogan's Heroes: The Musical
by Keepers of the Basset
Summary: When Klink becomes suspicious of the goings on at Stalag 13, the heroes create a complex plan to eliminate Klinks suspicions and take care of a very large mission from London. Genre 3: ActionAdventure Genre 4: Musical. Please sing and Review!
1. Intro of the Heroes

**A/N: you're probably saying to yourself: "What the Heck is this?" Good question. Well…it's a musical (Note: The title says "Hogan's heroes: The Musical". What else could it be?) That's right, this is a story put to song. Just pretend you went to see, for example, The Phantom of the Opera, or Mamma Mia (not to mention, that there will be songs from these). You might know most of these songs. If you don't, I'm sure you can find them on the web. So enjoy yourselves and please _sing and review_!**

**Hogan's Heroes: The Musical**

**All (except Hogan): **Heroes, heroes, husky men of war. Sons of all the heroes, of the war before.  
We're all heroes up to our ear o's. You ask questions - we make suggestions  
That's what we're heroes for.

All good heroes love a good, big fight. Open up the bomb bays and brighten up the night.  
We applaud the people who laud us, you pull the roses, we punch the noses,  
That's what we're heroes for.

What's a hero do? Well, we're not gonna tell ya 'cause we wish we knew.  
That's why we heroes are so few.  
We've got a slogan from Colonel Hogan and Colonel Hogan's a hero too.

**Hogan: **Never flinch, boys, never be afraid, heroes are not born, boys, heroes are made.  
Ask not why, boys, never say die, boys

**All: **Answer the call; remember we'll all be heroes forever more!

----- ----- -----

"Of course," Newkirk speaks up to the rest of the group, "we didn't get this way with out our good ol' Colonel 'ogan!"

LeBeau, Carter and Kinch begin to hand out beer, champagne and other drinks to the rest of the prisoners gathered.

**Colonel Hogan  
Sung by: The Heroes  
Taken off from: "****Mrs. Robinson****" by: Simon and Garfunkle**

**Newkirk: (raising his glass)** And here's to you, Colonel Hogan  
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)  
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan

London holds a place for those who obey (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

**All: (raising their glasses) **And here's to you, Colonel Hogan  
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)  
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan

London holds a place for those who obey (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

**(Hogan thinks back to his first arrival to the camp)**

**Klink:** I'd like to know a little bit about you for my files

**Shultz:** We'd like to hold you here to the end of the war

**Klink and Schultz:** Look around you, all you see are sympathetic eyes

**Klink:** Stroll around the compound until you feel at home

**(End of flashback)**

**All: (raising glasses)** And here's to you, Colonel Hogan  
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)  
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan

London holds a place for those who obey  
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

**Newkirk:** 'iding the operation in an 'iding place where no one ever goes

**Message from London:** "Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes"

**LeBeau:** It's a little secret, just the Heroes are there

**Kinch:** Most of all, you've got to hide it from the Klink

**All:** Coo, coo, ca-choo, Colonel Hogan  
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)  
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan

London holds a place for those who obey  
(Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

**Carter:** Sitting in the tunnel on a Sunday afternoon

**Kinch:** Going to the Kommandant's office

**Newkirk:** Laugh about it, shout about it when you've fooled the Germans

**Shultz:** Every way we look at it, we lose

**Carter:** Where have you gone, Klink's cigars?

**Carter and LeBeau:** Our Stalag turns its searching eyes to you (Woo, woo, woo)**  
**

**LeBeau:** What's that you say, Colonel Hogan?

**LeBeau and Newkirk:** You have stolen them clean away! (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

**All:** (**raising their glasses)** And here's to you, Colonel Hogan  
We love you more than you will know (Wo, wo, wo)  
God bless you please, Colonel Hogan

London holds a place for those who obey (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)

**----- ----- -----**

Hogan waves to the rest of his companions and humbly accepts his recognition. "This is very nice," he says, "but I did not do it alone." He takes a sip of his beer. "For example," he continues, taking Newkirk by his side,

**Corporal Newkirk**

**Sung by: The Heroes, Schulz**

**Taken off from "Mr. Mistoffolees" from Cats by: Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice**

**Hogan: **There's no such corporal, in the air force,  
he owns all the peeten monopolies for preforming suprising illusions and creating eccentric confusions.  
The greatest magicians have something to learn from Corporal Newkirk's conjuring turn.  
And you'll all say:

**All (except Newkirk): **Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk

**Hogan: **He is outspoken, he is tall, he is crafty  
from his hat to the tip of his heels.  
He can creep through the tiniest crack, he can walk on the narrowest rail.  
He can pick any card from a pack, he is equally cunning with dice.  
He is always deceiving you into believing that he's only hunting for lice.

**Kinch: **He can play any trick with a cork or a spoon and a bit of fish paste.  
And if you look for a grenade or a rifle and you think it is merely misplaced.  
You have seen it one moment and then it is gone!  
But you find it next week lying on the compound.

**Hogan: **And we all say:

**All: **Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?  
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?  
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?  
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?

**Newkirk: **My manner is vague and aloof.  
You would think there was nobody more open,  
but my voice has been 'eard on the roof  
when I was curled up by the bunk  
and have sometimes been heard by the tunnel  
when I was about on the roof.  
At least they all heard that somebody moved  
which is uncontestable proof of my singular magical powers  
and I've known the Shultzie to call me out from the barracks for 'ours  
while I was asleep in the tunnel.

**Shultz: **And not long ago, this phenomenal corporal produced seven strudels right out of a hat!

**Hogan: **And we all say:

**All: **Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?  
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?  
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?  
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?  
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?  
Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a corporal so clever as magical Peter Newkirk?

**Hogan:** Ladies and gentlemen allies and enemies, I give you the magical Peter Newkirk!

----- ----- -----

"And, we certainly con not forget our Carter," Hogan smiles.

"Carter who?" asks Carter.

"I'll tell you," replies the colonel,

**Sweet Carter from Bullfrog  
Sung by: The Heroes  
Taken off from the folk song: "Sweet Betsy from Pike" by: unknown**

**Hogan: **Did you ever hear of sweet Carter from Bullfrog, who crossed the wide ocean in search of his love (explosions) with two sticks of dynamite and a box of fuse a case of nitroglycerin and an explosion tattoo?

**Hogan: **Singing:

**All (except Carter): **One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!

**Hogan: **Singing

**All:** One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!

**Hogan: **His shot up plane was burning and bare and the pilot cried in fear,  
"We are lost, I declare! My dear old America Country, I'll go back to you."  
Said Carter:

**Carter: **"You'll go by yourself, if you do, boy. Er…sir!"

**Hogan: **Singing:

**All: **One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!

**Hogan: **Singing

**All:** One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!

**Hogan: **They swam the wide rivers and crossed the tall peaks they camped on the Alps for weeks upon weeks.  
They fought off the Krauts with rifle and bomb…

**Carter: (sulking) **and were captured in Stalag 13 in spite of it all.

**Hogan: **Singing:

**All: **One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!

**Hogan: **Singing

**All:** One bombing, two bombings, three bombings, Hey!

----- ----- -----

"Oh," chuckles Carter, "_that_ Carter!"

"You mean, there're _more_!" jokes Newkirk. He then turns to the others and calls out "'ide the dynamite!"

Hogan laughs. He then smiles, "And we can't forget our transmitter-driving man, now can we?"

"Transmitter-driving'?" parrots Kinch.

**James Kinchloe  
Sung by: The Heroes  
Taken off from the folk song: "John Henry" by: unknown**

**Hogan: **When James Kinchloe was a little baby.

**All: **Little, little baby

**Hogan: **A sittin' on his daddy's knee, he picked up a transmitter and a little piece of wire, said:

**Kinch:** "This is what I'm gonna do in Stalag 13,"

**All: **Lord, Lord,

**Kinch:** "This is what I'm gonna do in Stalag 13,"

**Kinch: **Well, my parents didn't know what I was a 6alking' about, they kept saying, "What the heck is this Stalag 13?" I could not answer for I didn't know my self, "Just gonna have to wait and see"

**All: **Lord, Lord,

**Kinch: **"Just gonna have to wait and see"

**Hogan: **James Kinchloe said to his captain,

**Kinch: **"A man ain't nothin' but a man, and before I let that blasted Nazi beat me down, I'll die with a transmitter in my hand"

**All: **Lord, Lord,

**Kinch: **"I'll die with a transmitter in my hand"

**Hogan: **James Kinchloe was tapping out the message, And his transmitter was flashing fire, and the only words they heard that poor boy say,

**Kinch: **"Gimme a fire extinguisher 'fore I burn,"

**All: **Lord, Lord,

**Kinch: **"Gimme a fire extinguisher 'fore I burn,"

**Hogan: **James Kinchloe, they flew across the Alps, the Nazi only made half,  
But they pushed so hard that he ran out o' fuel, and they touched down their planeand they landed

**All: **Lord, Lord,

**Hogan: **And they touched down their planeand they landed

**Hogan: **They took James Kinchloe to their headquarters, and they threw him in Stalag Thirteen, and that is how we here came to have a messenger and transmitter driving man

**All: **Lord, Lord, a messenger and transmitter driving man!

----- ----- -----

"And last, but certainly not least…" continues Hogan,

"But for sure the shortest," interrupts Newkirk sparking laughter in the crowd.

"Very funny," remarks Hogan at the Englander's joke, "our Frenchman LeBeau: the Cooking Wizard!"

"I can agree with that!" exclaims Shultz

**LeBeau: The Cooking Wizard**

**Sung by: The Heroes, Shultz  
Taken off from: "Pinball Wizard" from: Tommy by: The Who**

**Shultz: **Ever since I was a young boy I've eaten the fine cuisine.  
From Düsseldorf over to Frankfurt I must have tasted them all  
But I haven't seen nothing like him in any kitchen hall  
That short, little cockroach sure makes a mean strudel!

**Kinch: **He stands like a statue becomes part of the stove

Checking all the burners  
Always cooking clean

He cooks by intuition

The cook book's never open  
That short little French Corporal sure makes a mean dinner

**All: **He's a cooking wizard  
There's got to be a twist  
A cooking wizard  
He's got such a supple whisk

**Newkirk: **How do you think he does it?

**Hogan: **I don't know

**Carter: **What makes him so good?

**Newkirk: **'e ain't got no distractions  
Can't 'ear those guards and roll calls  
Don't see lights a flashin'  
Cooks by sense of smell  
Never gets a complaint  
Never fails at all  
My short, little French mate

Sure cooks a mean roast chicken!

**All: **He's a cooking wizard  
There's got to be a twist  
A cooking wizard

**Carter: **Just watch his blending tricks!

**Hogan: **Even under the stress of Nazis  
He can beat his best  
His helpers lead him in  
And he just does the rest  
He's got crazy cooking hands  
Never seen him fall  
Our short, little Corporal LeBeau  
Sure makes a mean casserole

**All: **He's a cooking wizard  
There's got to be a twist  
A cooking wizard  
A wonderful joy for all!


	2. Act I: A Grumpy Kommandant

It is a new day in Luft Stalag Thirteen as the prisoners assemble for their morning roll call. All is peaceful; all is calm, all, that is, except for the Kommandant's office.

"Schultz!" cries out Kommandant Colonel Klink through his office window to the Sergeant in the compound, "Tell those prisoners to assemble in a straight line!"

"But they are, Herr Kommandant!" the overweight man replies.

"Then, make them look crooked!"

There's a quick knock at the door and then Hilda walks into Klink's office with a tray in her arms. "Is something bothering you, Herr Kommandant?" Hilda asks, setting the Colonel's breakfast tray on his desk and pouring him a cup of coffee.

"Is something _bothering_ me?" parrots Klink, "I don't know if something is bothering me. But if you think something is bothering me don't you think I'd be the first to know!"

"What ever you say, Herr Kommandant," Hilda draws back in disbelief. She then leaves.

Klink goes to his desk. He sinks down in his chair. After playing around with his scrambled eggs with a piece of toast, he sinks his face into his hands.

"Hey, Colonel Klink!" Hogan's voice comes from the compound, "Will you hurry it up! It's cold out here!"

Klink turns to his open window facing the prisoners assembled in the compound. His face red as a beet, and wide open, blood-shot eyes. With one huff of his loud, husky voice he yells out, "SHUT UP!"

**The Prisoner of My Stalag**

**Sung by: Klink, Hogan**

**Taken off from: "The Phantom of the Opera" from the Phantom of the Opera by: Andrew Lloyd Webber and Charles Hart**

**Klink: **In sleep he calls to me,  
in dreams he came...  
that prisoner who calls to me  
and speaks my name. And do I dream again?  
For now I find the prisoner of my Stalag is there—inside my mind...

**Hogan: (at Klink's window to his back) **Speak once again with me our strange conference...  
My power over you grows stronger yet ...  
And though you run from me, to clear your mind, I'm there, the prisoner of your Stalag is there—inside your mind ...  
Those who have seen your face break up in laughter...

**Klink: **Insult me, you dare!

**Hogan: **It's fun to jeer!

**Hilda (enters): (talking) **Colonel Hogan is here to see you, sir.

**Klink: (talking) **Well, tell him to wait out there.

**Hilda leaves**

**Klink: **He's here, the prisoner of my Stalag...  
Beware: the prisoner of my Stalag...

**Hogan: **In all your fantasies, you always thought that man and mystery ...

**Klink:** were both in you ... **Hogan and Klink: **The Prisoner of your/my Stalag is there/here—inside your/my mind ... **Hogan (from the outer office): (talking) **But, Colonel, I really must protest!

**Klink: (yelling) **Get back into formation!

**Hogan leaves**

**Klink: (repeats over and over) **He's here the Prisoner of my Stalag...

----- ----- -----

"Excuse me, Herr Kommandant," Schultz says humbly as he pokes his head in the office, "but we are long overdue for role call."

Klink does not move. He stares into space as he mumbles, "He's here, the Prisoner of my Stalag…"

"Who?" the sergeant asks, stepping in.

"He's here, the Prisoner of my Stalag…"

"Okay."

But, just as he turns to leave, he hears a voice saying, "Schultz."

"Ja, Herr Kommandant?" the sergeant briskly turns to face the headman and standing at attention.

"I'll be right out." Klink sighs. Pushing himself up and stepping out from around his desk...

"Yes, sir!" Schultz salutes and turns to leave.

Klink grabs his outdoor apparel and follows Schultz to the compound.

**A/N: Sorry for the delay of updating but we had some problem with the site and then we went on vacation. Hopefully, we can update on a regular basis. Have fun!**


	3. Act II: Angel of Stalags

Klink sighs as he steps outside into the cold. He gazes at the prisoners in line. "Report." He says miserably.

"All present and accounted for, Herr Kommandant!" Shultz declares, cheerfully.

"Very good, Shultz." Klink nods, then spins around, "Dismissed." The Kommandant stomps back to the Kommandantur and slams the door shut.

--------- --------- -------- --------- ---------

The prisoners scatter, just as General Burkhalter car drives into the compound. As the car pulls to a halt, Burkhalter steps out and heads to the office. He steps into the outer to find Shultz talking to Hilda.

Shultz stand to attention. "How nice to see you, Herr General!" Shultz exclaims, saluting.

"I wish I could say the same." Burkhalter mutters under his breath. He looks at Shultz, "Well dummkopf, tell Klink I'm here."

"Jawohl."

Shultz knock on Klink office door. "Come in." a weary voice answers.

Shultz comes in smiling. "Herr Kommandant, General Burkhalter has come to cheer you up!"

"General Burkhalter!" Klink mimics, jumping out of his chair. He smoothes out his uniform and puts on his monocle. "Send him in, idiot!"

Shultz opens the door as Burkhalter enters. Klink smiles broadly. "General Burkhalter, it's wonderful to have you here!" He says, putting his arm around Burkhalter's shoulder. "What a surprise!"

"Two things, Klink." Burkhalter snarls, trying to hold his anger. "One, you called me here, two, get your arm off my shoulder!"

Klink draws back. "Yes, sir."

Burkhalter sits down in Klink's chair. "What do you want?"

"What do I want, sir?" Klink asks.

"You asked me to come here to talk to you about something!" Burkhalter rolls his eyes.

Klink takes a deep breath, pacing back and forth. "Well, Herr General, I wanted—well, I have some suspicions about Hogan…"

--------- --------- -------- --------- ---------

The heroes gather around the coffee pot. As Kinch plugs in the cord the red light come on and Klink voice comes out.

"Blimey!" Newkirk exclaims, standing up and walking around Colonel Hogan's office. "I can't believe Klink's got the brains to become suspicious!"

"_Oui_, but that tapioca pudding inside his head seems to be doing its job." LeBeau snorts.

Carter smiles, "Tapioca pudding…yum." He licks his lips.

"Quiet." Hogan whispers, leaning closer to the coffee pot.

"_Don't be a fool, Klink." _Burkhalter says over the speaker. _"The Gestapo has searched the barracks several times, if Hogan is hiding anything, they would have found it."_

"_But, many strange things have happened here, Herr General." _

--------- --------- -------- --------- ---------

Burkhalter laughs. "Klink you're being even more idiotic than usual." Burkhalter stands up and pour himself some schnapps. "There is nothing going on!"

"But—"

Burkhalter spins around, fed up with Klink's prattle. "Klink!" He yells, "You know what Klink? I'll tell you what it is, it's…" his eyes light up, "It's an Angel…The Angel of Stalags."

"The Angel of Stalags?" Klink repeats.

"_Ja_, he watches over all the Luft Stalags!"

"How fascinating!"

Burkhalter nods. "_Ja_." He responds, grinning slightly at the answer he gave Klink. "Just to be safe, I will have a thorough inspection of the barracks."

Burkhalter turns to leave, then exits while Klink stays behind. He blink then walks around a little bit. Sitting down on his desk, he takes his monocle out of his eye and cleans it. "The Angel of Stalags…"

With that, he stands up and follows Burkhalter out to the compound.

--------- --------- -------- --------- ---------

"C'mon, guys," Hogan says, quickly putting on his jacket and starting for the door. "We gotta get Burkhalter out of here. I don't want him to give the barracks 'a thorough inspection."

Kinch perks up, "Even though his 'thorough inspections' are never really thorough?"

"Yes." The Colonel replies, "I don't want to take a chance on him finding anything."

They exit Colonel Hogan office, and are about to leave the main barrack area when they stop.

"Colonel…" Carter starts, "How do we get Burkhalter to go home?"

"Yeah," agrees Newkirk, "Ol' butterball 'as always been quite determined."

"I don't know…think of something! But we better get out there fast." Hogan rushes out, just as Burkhalter is about to step in.

Hogan grabs Burkhalter by the hand and twirl around the compound a couple times.

**General Burkhalter**

**Sung by: The Heroes, Featuring The Compound Dogs Bark Choir conducted by Monsieur Louis LeBeau ****Taken off from: Prima Donna from the Phantom of the Opera by: Andrew Lloyd Webber and Charles Hart **

**Hogan: **Your Furher needs you!

**Newkirk: **We need you, not!

**Burkhalter: **Would you not rather that I stay here in your precious little compound?

**All:** Herr, nein!

**Heroes: **The Furher wants you!

**Carter (talking): **Yeah, so beat it, buster!

**(Burkhalter looks at him)(Heroes break joyfully into song)**

**Hogan: **General Burkhalter, you're fat,

**Newkirk: **you need to diet!

**LeBeau: **Some exercise,

**Carter: **You'll be surprised!

**All: **Oh, Herr General!

**(Hogan cues LeBeau, who conducts the dog choir)**

**Newkirk: **Do us a favor...

**Kinch:** …and don't bring your load

**Hogan: **into…

**All:**...our Stalag any more!

**Dogs: **la, la, la

**Hogan:** General Burkhalter, abandon once again..

**Carter:** the Stalag…

**Kinch:** of which now…

**Carter and Kinch:** you are visiting

**Newkirk:** can you deny us the sound of your car

**Newkirk, Kinch, Hogan: **leaving our…

**All: **faircompound?

**Dogs: **la, la, la, la

**Heroes: **General Burkhalter…  
a diet is in need!  
Those fattening foods..

Are really glues…

**All:** In your intestines!

**Kinch: **Your fat makes me think of a hippo—

**Carter:** Obese…

**Newkirk:**…and very, very slow…

**DOGS**

**Hogan: **Sing that car engine, once more!

"That's it!" cries the general, getting out of Hogan's hold, "Klink, I'm leaving!"

"All he needed was a little persuasion and a little push out the gate." Hogan says to his comrades.

As General Burkhalter's car leaves through the main gates, Klink joins the heroes to wave good-bye. "I thought he would never leave" he says to Hogan.

"Well," the other man, "I would never want to be one of your invited guests!"

Klink gives Hogan one of his signature "I've had enough of you" looks and storms away.

"What are we going to do now, Colonel?" asks LeBeau, once they return to their barracks, "Now that Klink suspects us?"

"Oh," Hogan replies, staring into the distance, "I think we'll let the 'Angel of Stalags' take care of him."

**A/N: Yay! Another chapter! Hope you liked it:) Please Review!**


	4. Act III: The Note

**A\N: Thanks the reviews, keep them coming, they are our fuel!! Here the next chapter!**

Newkirk frowns, looking confused. "Angel of Stalags, sir?" He asks.

Hogan takes a deep breath and starts walking towards the barracks. "Yeah," as he enters his barracks, a smile creeps on to his face. "C'mon we have a lot of work to do."

--------- --------- -------- --------- ---------

Klink sighs as he seats himself on his desk chair. _Angel of Stalags? _The Colonel looks around the room, as if someone was watching. "The Angel of Stalags…" he ponders, "What is an 'Angel of Stalags'? What does he do?" He then looks around in fear. "Is he here _now_? How will I even know?"

He takes a deep breath then slumps over his desk and falls asleep.

--------- --------- -------- --------- ---------

"How is this plan of yours supposed to work, Colonel?" asks Carter, as he and the others go into the tunnel.

"The same way Burkhalter made his work." Hogan replies. He receives puzzled looks from his friends and rephrases his statement. He clears his throat. "The general's plan to satisfy Klink was to say that there was an Angel of Stalags," he explains, "Well, we are going to make that thought a reality—we are going to bring to life the Angel of Stalags."

Nobody says anything, until Newkirk expresses what the others are thinking. "Are you nuts, guv'nr?"

"No," Hogan scoffs, pouring himself some coffee, "I'm not 'nuts'. Maybe a little insane, but not nuts."

The others heroes sigh a breath of relief as they sit down

"Well," Hogan's face turns serious, he pulls the others out of they're chairs, "let's get started!"

--------- --------- -------- --------- ---------

Moments later, the door to Klink's office opens and Hogan walks in.

"Who invited you?" The Kommandant scolds, yawning.

"Me." replies the American officer.

"What do you want?"

"I have come on behalf on the security of my men and myself."

"What concern is that to me?" Klink replies not bothering to look up from his paperwork, "You are the one putting ourselves in danger form all your strange activities."

"I thought Burkhalter said that it was an Angel of Stalags."

"I know, but until I have good proof, I will still blame you."

Suddenly, the phone rings. Klink answers it, "Hello?"

Kinch, down in the tunnel, instantly puts on a recording of Hogan's voice.

"_Hello_," the strange and somewhat scary voice whispers to Klink.

"Hello?" Klink replies with a shaky voice, "Who is this?"

"_I am your Angel of Stalags_."

"What do you want with me? I am only a simple, poor little Kommandant of a small little insignificant Stalag." Klink takes a deep breath and holds it.

"_True_, _but you'll do for my purposes_."

Klink stares into space for a moment. "Purposes, sir?" He asks, "What do you mean?"

"_Stay alert, Klink_." The voice rasps.

Klink hears a click then silence. He hangs up then stares at the phone for a minute.

Hogan clears his throat. "Uh, Kommandant?"

Klink turns to Hogan. "I can't believe I actually talked to 'The Angel of Stalags' on the phone!"

Hogan frowns. "Talked to him on the _phone_?" Hogan parrots, backing away from Klink, "Colonel, you weren't on the phone…"

"Of course I was on the phone, Hogan." Klink says, "What are you talking about?"

Hogan shakes his head slowly and steps closer to Klink. "You weren't talking to anyone on the phone." He repeats, "You were just sitting there, murmuring to yourself..."

Klink blinks a couple of time. "I wasn't on the phone?"

Hogan shakes his head. He clears his throat then spins around. "I'm leaving." As Hogan closes the door to the office he smirks. He tippy-toes to Hilda's desk and kisses her on the ear. "See ya later."

--------- --------- -------- --------- ---------

Hogan enters the barracks to finding a sea of smiling face.

"How'd it go?" Kinch asks quickly.

Hogan laughs. "C'mon, guys. I know you listened in."

The men burst into laughing as they relax on the benches.

"You're right guv'nr, we listened in," Newkirk smiles, "But tell me, 'ow did you know what Klink was gonna say on the phone so that you could record your voice on the tape recorder?"

Hogan takes a deep breath and turns away from the group. Though his back was turn they can tell he's smiling. "Wild guess." Hogan spins around again to face the others.

"Okay guys, I'm gonna need a mask, and…maybe a black cape. Carter, you clear out the tunnel to Klink wine cellar, set up lots of candles and black curtains and stuff. Make it look like a funeral parlor. Newkirk, you and LeBeau get to work on a mirror. It should be about six feet high. Make it so that the glass can be taken out from the back. You're gonna take it to Klink room and put it up right in the center of the right wall. Kinch, you and I are gonna get to work on a new, temporary, tunnel entrance to Klink's room…right behind the mirror."

--------- --------- -------- --------- ---------

Klink wakens the following morning to the sound of someone knocking at his bedroom door. He yawns as he stands up and puts his robe on. "What do you want—" He says starting to open his eyes, "Hogan? What are you doing here?"

Hogan steps in to the room, followed by Newkirk and LeBeau carrying the mirror.

"What's going on in here, Hogan?" Klink stammers, stepping in front the men to prevent them from going to bedroom any further. "What are you doing in my bedroom?"

Hogan signals for Newkirk and LeBeau to proceed on carrying the mirror in, forcing Klink to step aside. "We are part of the new Make the Kommandant Happy Committee."

"Make the Kommandant Happy Committee?" parrots Klink, "What is that?"

"It's a committee with the sole purpose of making our beloved Kommandant happy."

"Happy?" Klink squints his eyes, "Why would you want me to be happy?"

"Why not?" Hogan turns to Newkirk and LeBeau and point to an area on the wall. "Set it up over there boys."

"Yes sir."

"What are you doing?!" Klink yells, finally losing his patience.

"What does it look like?" Hogan smirks, helping Newkirk and LeBeau set up the mirror.

"You're putting in a mirror."

"See guys?" Hogan taps the side of his head. "Colonel Klink's got it up here, where it counts."

"Maybe that's why I respect him so much." LeBeau comments to Newkirk

Newkirk raises and eyebrow. "You do?" LeBeau quickly jabs his elbow into Newkirk's side. "Oh, yes. Me too!"

"Very well," Klink waves his hand, "carry on."

Hogan takes off his hat. "Many thanks, Kommandant."

"Whatever," Klink rolls his eyes.

"All set, Colonel." LeBeau informs Hogan as he makes the final adjustments to the mirror.

"Very good!" applauds Hogan, "Now, doesn't that make this small, dreary bedroom seem much bigger?"

"Yes, it does!" Klink admires his bedroom's new look. His tone suddenly turns serious, "Now, everybody out! And into formation for morning roll call!"

Everybody salutes as they exit into the compound.

Klink stares at the new mirror. "Hogan's up to something." he thinks to himself.

There is a knock at the door.

"Yes?"

"Your breakfast, Herr Kommandant." Hilda replies from outside the door.

"Just leave it in my office."

"Very well, Herr Kommandant."

Klink returns to his new mirror. "He's working against me." He says, "I feel so alone! No! I must not think that way!" He grabs his uniform pants off the foot of his bed, "I am a German,"

**I am a German**

**Sung by: Klink**

**Taken off from "I Am a Rock" by: Paul Simon and Art Garfunkle**

**Klink:** A Winter's day  
in a deep and dark Stalag;  
I am alone,  
Gazing from my window to the compound below  
a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.  
I am a Kommandant  
I am a German

I've built walls,  
a fortress deep and mighty,  
that none may escape.  
I have no need for prisoners; prisoners cause trouble  
but its money and something that I need.  
I am a Kommandant  
I am a German

Don't talk of defeat,  
but I've heard that word before;  
it's sleeping in my memory.  
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.  
If I never fought I never would have cried.  
I am a Kommandant,  
I am a German.

I have Schultz  
And my office to protect me;  
I am shielded in my medals,  
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.  
I touch no one and no one touches me.  
I am a Kommandant,  
I am a German

And a Kommandant feels no pain;  
and a German never cries

------ ------ ------

"Humph!" Klink laughs, tying his shoes, "Just let that Hogan do his best!" He checks himself in the new mirror. Something catches his eye. "What's this?" he asks aloud, taking a piece of paper from the frame. He opens it. _Bedroom 12 o'clock._ At the bottom of the page, the signature, _The Angel of Stalags_.

Klink quickly shoves the note into his pocket as if someone was watching him. "A.M. or P.M.?"

**A\N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter, we did!! Thanks for all the past reviews, keep them coming!! **


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